I’m thinking of my dad and my grandma. My dad has been gone for over ten years now, yet I can still recall the exact moment I was told he had died. (Oh how I’ve been extremely dramatic my whole life.) It’s crazy how that memory lives forever in my head. I always wonder what he’d look like now, how different life would be, & who I would be? I fantasize about those things. He passed so long ago that the memories I do have almost feel unreal, like I don’t even know him. But.. I did. Sometimes it feels made up. I don’t know… One day, I’ll talk about what it’s like to grow up with a father complex, but not today.
My grandma only died three years ago, and I go back and forth in my thoughts about having to watch her die dramatically in front of me. Honestly, I just wish I could erase that whole scene from my head. I can’t fathom the thought of her becoming a memory. That might be one of the hardest parts for me because a memory.is.crazy. I can still hear her slick insults when she felt like being funny. I guess years from now I’ll become numb, like I have with my dad. Am I really numb? Probably not, but sometimes it feels lighter.
I think about how my daughter will never know her grandad. How he loved all blues Saturdays, or how her GG made the best red velvet cakes & how much she loved her. So, yeah, grieving sucks, but maybe I can sleep now.