I remember writing about how much I’ve come to love my mornings. & that’s still true. I need that structure. I love waking up & going to the gym or yoga. Drinking my sweet lemon tea before breakfast. That routine grounds me. but I also need my late nights. The rush of ideas at 3am. music playing in the background & a clean revamp to life. or just staying out all night with friends.
There was a time I would stay up all night doing this. That was my happy space. & in many ways, it still is. I need BOTH, I need balance. I’m learning to embrace these parts of myself without judging myself. Without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.
I think there was a part of me trying to prove something. to prove my worth & how good I was at my work. My work lights me up. It keeps me up at night. it's literally who I am. But I wasn’t fully enjoying it because I was so focused on perfecting it, on making it “successful.” Somewhere along the way, I've let the outcome take away the fun.
Sometimes I get ideas so big, I let them run ahead of me instead of living inside them. I wonder when did I start tying my worth to what other people see in me? I wonder what success means to a creative? I wonder when did I stop doing things for the love of them..
I won’t dwell on it, but writing this made me realize… I don’t have to stay there. I can find joy here again. In the chaotic process. In the flow.
When it wasn’t flowing, I was praying for back. Now that it’s returning, I appreciate the pause. Maybe it wasn’t a break but well needed rest.
I was scared to start again. Scared to open my laptop. I didn’t know where it was going. I’m happy I just started.
I really love watching my growth in 3d. These little realizations make me happiest.
xo, zenwhispers